It was one of those moments when you get outside of yourself, not completely sure where you were. It felt like time-traveling; visiting myself from a past I had not remembered, to look at a present I had never seen. There was a huge gap between the two tenses, a gap in which now I was trapped.
I doubted everything, and nothing. I doubted the fact of my existence. But I did exist; I had an existence in space, and in time. After all, if I had not existed, why were all these guns pointed towards my head?
O life dear life! I had to cling to you. I had to hold you so tight, or else you would escape, and I would not exist. Then, you were not the times I sat and cried, but the times I would laugh at; you were not a dream I sighed at, but a reality to pursue; you were not a past that I dreaded, but I future I longed to and was afraid to lose.
Then, I doubted the feeling of pain that should have drowned everything else. But, the more I sipped of it, the more I grew apathetic. I ceased to feel my broken ribs, my lost teeth, the punches in the stomach, the dragging from hair. But I groaned. I screamed. I rolled in dirt begging them to stop. I was lost in intervals of unconsciousness when the world was somewhere else, and I was outside it all. I always knew the air had a scent that our noses merely grew numb to it.
Pain, it emptied you from all the unnecessary fillings, then you only saw yourself for who you were , or who you never had been .Like those big balloons emptied of air, then came caving in. They were small and fragile. I stood for nothing but life, dear life. I wanted nothing but life, dear life. Then, my humiliation meant nothing, my whimpers meant nothing, my betrayal meant nothing, for life meant everything. O life dear life, were you worth it?
I then was in a place where no guns pointed towards my head, in a time I did not know. Everything around me moved and I was the rock in that stream. Forever frozen. I looked at the yellowing leaves and doubted, couldn’t they be evergreen from inside? I then looked into myself and knew: once yellow, you were always yellow. O life dear life, were you worth it?
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