Monday, December 28, 2009

Guiding Stars



All the roads in my way overlapped to form a big circle. No beginning. No end. I'm left with no map to guide me to the right path. I'm only supposed to walk till one day I find answers. Questions have been torturing me and I cannot control them. It's like trying to get a grip on a swarm of bees. I must find the answers. I must. I don't want to waste all my life searching. I don't want to spend all my time walking. I want to sit. I want to have a break.

I built the walls not the bridges and I'm left with only regret as my companion. I tried to climb the walls but they are too high. I brought a shovel and started digging a hole but it's dark underground and I'm afraid of getting lost, lost more than I am already. Now I'm ready to create a window for my cage, hoping that maybe one day I'll find the key to the door. Or maybe I'll be found. Maybe my savior will find it for me. But I can't wait. What if he never makes it

Oh, you are the answer to my questions. You are the key that will let me out. Dreams, guide my way. But first I must believe. I must follow the flickering star in my dark sky that will never delude me. I promise I'll follow, only when it appears.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

You Can Keep the Coat


I slammed the door of my car impatiently after being stuck in a traffic jam that held me back a whole fifteen minutes, & someone like me, could only cherish every second. Hundreds of questions kept on rambling in my mind, "What I'm doing, is it right thing?" "Should I just get back in the car and drive away?" "Why did I even answer the phone when she called?" I silenced all the voices in my head, if there was anything I was sure of, it would be that it was either now or never.

With every step I took forward, my heartbeats accelerated, till I saw her vaguely from a distance, they completely stopped. She was sitting on a bench, wearing a sweater that matched her chocolate brown hair, hugging her soft skin. Her eyes wandered everywhere but I could tell she couldn't see a thing. Her arms wrapped around her body tightly, she was cold and wanted to feel warm, she was insecure and wanted to feel safe, she was confused and wanted to be sure, and I wished to be able to give her all that.

'Here, take it", I said while holding my coat for her to wear. She was suddenly aware of my presence and looked at me with her wide innocent eyes that I always failed to resist.

She grinned and said "Thanks"

Before I had a chance to apologize for being late, she said while wearing my coat, in a still happy voice "I'm glad you came"

After I had adjusted myself beside her I said "You're glad I came, why, did you think I wouldn't?" I knew that right then I was echoing my own thoughts rather than hers.

"I don't know, but you've been behaving weirdly for a while"

"So, why did you want to meet me?' I said, wanting to change the subject.

"I'm traveling next week to France and I'm staying there for six months". Her eyes flickered and moved away from mine. She tried her best to hide a smile dancing on the edges of her lips, but I could still see it. She was not happy because she was traveling, she was happy because what she thought how that would influence me. She knew very well that I couldn't endure a day without her, never mind half a year. She was now waiting for me to jump out of my seat, take her by the hand and admit my love for her, and she would call off the flight and cancel everything. She was that much in love with me.

I tried to hide the sheer pain in my heart, tried to repress it so that it wouldn't appear on my face and betray my emotions, so that I wouldn’t lose control over myself and do what she wished.

"So, you want a drive to the airport?" I said coolly

The smile on her lips froze, she looked at me with wet eyes and a face utterly amazed.

"What" She said incredulously.

I couldn't answer her.

"Don't you have any feelings? Don't you care for me? What have I done to you to torture me like this?"

She looked like a child trying to convince his parents to buy him his favorite toy; it was only much harder, much more complicated. I didn’t know what her eyes had done to me, like I was spellbound, without even thinking about it, I moved my hands to wipe the tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Her eyes met mine, I held her gaze for an immeasurable moment, and all I wanted to do was to be with her.

"I have to go now". I said still incapable of taking my eyes off hers.

She held my hand and said in a low, but certain voice "Don't leave me…..I'm in love with you"

Breathing was composed of two main processes, inhaling and exhaling, simple as it was, I forgot how to do it. A fierce shudder ran through my body starting from my hand, I didn't know if that was the reason, but I froze in my place, completely incapable of moving.

What should I do now, should I tell her how I want nothing out of this life more than spending my everyday with her? Should I ask her to marry me now because I didn't know how many days were left for me in this life? But no, I want her to hate me, she had to hate me. Her heart was so fragile, so tender, that knowing that my end was close, would break it in to a million pieces and the thought of me being the reason of her suffering was unendurable.

I whispered in her ears in a broken voice "Don't cry, hold on"

"So you are leaving now?", she said in a low voice, almost a whisper.

"Yes"

"Why?"

"There are things that better be left unknown"

A faint smile was drawn upon her quivering lips, it was the sort of smile that was meant to hide pain, I know it very well.

"Is, it a goodbye then?" she said, while the smile lingered on her lips and her eyes struggled to hold back tears. She emphasized on 'goodbye', as though not believing it.

"Yes"

Her eyes parted from mine and turned to my coat. 'Won't you take it?"

"No, you can keep the coat"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Love Beyond Reasons


I love writing. Why? I've got no idea.

When the Romans used Cupid to symbolize love, they wanted to convey a message. The wanted to tell us that this is what Love is, a child throwing his arrows recklessly on hearts, without ever stopping to ask himself  "Why" or "When" or "How". It's beyond reason.

When you love something for particular reasons, you are connecting two pieces of cloth with strings. The strings are cut one after another by the effect of time. The bond is weakening. The bond no longer exists. But when you love something for no reason at all, the two pieces are overlapped. They are one piece. And can you ever separate something from its own self?

  I am writing and writing is me

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Strings


I'm in a car, driving at full speed, not knowing where to go, but I'm going away. 

That's good enough for me now.

You can call me a coward if you want, I'll simply not care.


Your giggles filled the room.

I wished I could be happy too.

But I couldn't.

Not when I looked through your pretenses.

Not when I heard the moan disguised in your laughter.

To see you I used my heart, not my eyes.

And I saw that you'd been in pain.

 

Some wounds just cut you so deep, that when the scar is no longer there, you are still internally bleeding.

 

Our hearts are connected with strings that no matter the distance will never be weakened.

 

So stop bleeding.

I am bleeding too.

And I can't run away.

 


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Paths


Mistaken is he who thinks that a prison is a place where prisoners go; prisons comes in all shapes and types but the hardest of them all is when you happen to be the prison and the prisoner. If you are locked up in a room, you will scream, you will shout, you will try to break the door, but when you are trapped inside yourself, what will you do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. 

You are helpless.

 

When I find a trouble with seemingly no way out, I whisper to myself "Everything is gonna be alright. Remember when you were going through an even worse situation and it turned out just fine?" But then again, is that what life destined to be? A big prison that everyday you break the walls of  one cell only to enter another? Maybe. And maybe not

 

Yes, I'm imprisoned, but sometimes I runaway. As the pain cuts deeper through my heart i let my thoughts slip to surreality, where I can be whoever I wanna be whenever i want that to be. It's easy, but my punishment when I get back is nothing like that. I've seen myself as a thousand other people that it feels strange looking at the mirror to see myself.And then I ask, is that who I want to be? Myself. Like I had a choice! But if i had, what would it be? Who would  it be? The reflection in the mirror, or the glossy pictures in my fancies? A hard question, but I already know the answer. I'd choose myself. It's not a matter of preference as much as it is a matter of security. I know my life, but I don't know those thousand others. I have faith that God chose the best for me, but I don't have faith in my, unlike reality, perfect fancies. It still hurts, though, having to compare my real life to the surreal one. You'd tell me to completely abandon the latter and stick to the former, but i can't. It's too late.

Surreality is part of my reality.






 

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Ghost of the Dawn


I don't wanna go and waste my time fighting in a losing battle. I know that the language of feelings can never be interpreted or translated, so why am I trying  so hard to put into words?  it's just so overwhelming, so beautiful that I find myself tongue-tied. I'll simply go, close my eyes and hold on to it for as long as possible. I'll store it somewhere in my heart where what it remains, a mere memory. A memory that is a pale version of a colorful drawing, but at least it will be easier for me to get a grip on it. Not the opposite.

Memories....they are my greatest pleasures, my greatest sufferings. Sometimes, I find my legs running as fast as my energy allows, escaping the pain of a memory that its wound has yet to heal. Sometimes, they pass before my eyes like flashes of light. But a bullet can be fast as well. Sometimes, I'm the one who chases them, with the wish of having the ability of turning be the hands of time in my heart.

One day, I'll be a memory too.

I'll sure be remembered for a while. But for how long?  A year, two? Will my memory, the only remaining part of me, be lost in the mists of time? Will i be like the moon in the dawn? So radiate and beautiful in its night hours and then the sun shines and it becomes a mere ghost of what it once was. Will I be a ghost? Or worse, will I be forgotten? 

 

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Eyes


P.S. This article was originally written for a magazine, but to me it's more than that, it's the way i  see life


 A truth no one shall ever deny is that problems are something nobody is immune against. The one thing that may differ from a person to another is the way he deals with them. Some may cry their hearts out, sitting in a dark corner and filling their heads with remorse and regret for what's already gone, completely neglecting the fact that we can never turn back the hands of time to set  things right. Some are very practical so they go on endeavoring to fix what can be fixed, and others just run away from their problems by avoiding thinking of them.

 

In those three cases we do experience the bitterness of sorrow and grief though the intensity may differ, yet we all experience them. If we look for the reason why, we will find it's in ourselves. We either make ourselves happy or miserable; the amount of the work is the same. So here we could identify the problem and found the cause the only thing missing is the solution.

 

We must look at things with new eyes and see beyond what's visible. To make what I mean clear let's have an example. Suppose you are the most popular girl/boy at school, you have tons of friends whom you love and care for the most and then, out of the blue you find yourself obliged to move to a new school in a new town and lose all your friends, what would be your reaction? I am quite sure that even in your imagination you find yourself angry, outraged and completely furious. Now let's take a look at your life in school has the moving decision never been taken.  It's the beginning of the year, as usual all the eyes are directed towards you, you are still so popular and still so loved.  but then a much more charismatic girl/boy comes to your school and you find yourself completely abandoned by those whom you once thought were your best friends. Moreover, as a former popular kid the new one who has taken your place does his best trying to make you hated by everyone as to destroy every possible chance that  you might gain your place again. Having to go to school would be a nightmare that you have to go through every single day to that you wish from the bottom of your heart you could move to a new school!

 

What you saw as a curse one day now turned out to be the best thing. In the first case you are confronted with the change with out knowing what is to happen to you if you stay, thus you feel that it's a very bad decision as you think that happiness you have now is ever lasting. That is because you always look at things which lie right in front of you. You bear this inner belief that what you don't have is always the best but As a matter of fact what God chooses really is the best. His wisdom is not to be understood by any of us ignorant human beings for it's way too hard for any mind to conceive. The only one thing that we can do is to have absolute faith in that and look at things with brand new eyes. Don't see what you face of troubles in your life as enemies that to hinder you from achieving what you want, they aim, but see them as disguised gifts. I have a certain belief that on first born we are like pieces of iron found in nature with no definite shape. It's what we go through from hard experiences that   form us and make us the people we are. As they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.   

                                                                                           

                                                                            

 

                                                                                            

 

 

  

 

My very first award!


Ok, so today I was checking my blog and I found out that I'd won an award! What made quite special that this was my very first award and i would like to thank God for it.
Now i'm supposed to nominate seven other bloggers. The choice was not hard, I already had them in mind

I've been reading this blog long before I started blogging myself and all I can say is that it's truly beautiful.
The first time I checked this blog, I was literally mesmerized. The poems are so deep and touching.
I really like the blogs where the daily life of people is told, they are not my favorites though. This blog is one of the few exceptions. Maia and Lara are the sweetest girls I've ever seen!
An Egyptian rebellion exposed!
I really believe that so much effort is put into this blog.
The style is amazing!!
I'm pretty sure this is like the millionth award for this blog to win, but I just couldn't help it, I really love it!!

That's it! Congratulations everybody! Now you should copy the award to your blog and nominate seven other bloggers.
Special thanks to Lauren for giving me this awesome award and for my favorite follower  Nahla for her comments and continuous encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Friday, November 13, 2009

A Lullaby


I have every reason to be angry, and yet, no reason at all. On recollecting the events of the day, there hardly seems to be anything that could provoke me, which makes me have second thoughts about the power of one thought when it resolves on taking over a mind.

Reality is always harsh. It's always cruel that at times, I feel as though I'm suffocating, as though I'm locked up in a room and no matter how hard I search, I'll not find the way out. The room has no doors. My body gives in. My head doesn't. It keeps on praying for a miracle, for a prince-charming to break the spell, or for a fairy before the clock strikes twelve. Nothing of that happens, and yet I dream.

Dreams are harmless, I always thought. But when you look back to find a million sandcastles the winds had blown, it hurts. Isn't that funny, I got so many big, big dreams, and have absolute faith in myself and when it comes to something almost everybody has, something as simple as the sense of belonging, I am helpless.

I always felt misplaced, a lost moon, hoping to be in the right way to its planet, fearing that it's always  been there and never realized that. I am in a state of denial. 

When I look at a house, a building where people live is not what I see. I see hands putting brick over the other, I see sand put in machines to create the bricks, and I see legs walking over the sand. Maybe these legs are the very same legs walking inside the house right now. Maybe places and people have always had a connection without ever knowing it.

I love thinking where everything begins, connecting irrelevant things to reach the same result, guessing what connection I may have with the person in front of me. Somewhere between the day i first opened my eyes to life and this moment, I became me. It's impossible to trace the change, impossible to know where it first began. I compare myself to a photo taken of the 9 year-old me, the childish innocence no longer exists in my eyes, my face got an edge, and the tiny freckles on my nose linger still in their place. How come i never noticed that before?

Yes, there are things in this life that you can't explain. Like the change you can never trace even though it happens before your eyes, or the baby who only sleeps when a lullaby is sung in his ears. A lullaby that is too hard for his mind to understand. But just like you and I, this baby has a heart that became well aware of feelings the moment it started beating. Maybe life is as simple as a lullaby and I'm the one making it complicated. Maybe I should turn a deaf ear to the world, close my eyes, and open my heart. Maybe I should stop thinking. But I can't. I know I can't. Thoughts to me are like an addiction. Even though I know how much they can hurt me, I'm not willing to give them up.

 


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Wings of the Butterfly




I want to shut my ears to all the voices, except for one, the voice of insanity, because to me, right now, sanity doesn't make any kinda sense.

I trace the white spots splattered on the plain blue background. They can be horses,hearts,dragons,lovers, but at the end they are all clouds. I want to know how they feel, i always imagined them like cotton candy, perhaps because they look alike.

I wanna decode the mystery of me, I always wanted to do so, but whenever I try, I find myself drowning in an ocean with no bottom, and every time I think I found a shore, I sink even more. Isn't that ironic, with your eyes you can see everybody, but it takes another pair of eyes to see you.

How I wish to see myself! I want to have a third invisible eye maybe. Not just that, I want to be a mind-reader, but I can't, I know I can't. These are not the only things I'll never be able to do, there's another dozen.

For one day I want to be under somebody's skin, see the world through his eyes, hear it through his ears, and feel it through his heart. Will it be the same? Perhaps my vision will be altered, maybe each and every one of us sees different colors, yet we all think we are the same. I guess I'll never know.

When I walk in the street, I pass tens and tens of people by; to me they are just passers by, as I am to them. Beyond all that, they are....... they have, stories of joy and misery, of happiness and pain, like me. I want to learn their stories; I want to see through them.

I want my life to have theme songs that fit every situation. It'll make it feel more like a movie. i want my life to be a movie, but it'll not do it justice. How are fourteen years gonna be shrunk to two hours?!

Oh, now i know what I am. I'm not an ocean. I have hundreds of beautiful, shiny colors spread all over me, but when someone gets closer to touch them, I fly away, nobody must know how fragile I can be. I am the wings of the butterfly.


 Misguided Ghosts by Paramore
i'm going away for a while 
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me 
'cause I'll return as soon as possible 
See I'm trying to find my place 
But it might not be here where I feel safe 
We all learn to make mistakes 

And run 
From them, from them 
With no direction 
We'll run from them, from them 
With no conviction 

Cause I'm just one of those ghosts 
Traveling endlessly 
Don't need no road 
In fact they follow me 
And we just go in circles 

But now I'm told that this is life 
And pain is just a simple compromise 
So we can get what we want out of it 

Would someone care to classify, 
A broken hearts and twisted minds 
So I can find someone to rely on 

And run 
To them, to them 
Full speed ahead 
Oh you are not 
Useless 
We are just 

Misguided ghosts 
Traveling endlessly 
The ones we trusted the most 
Pushed us far away 
And there's no one road 
And we should not be the same 
But I'm just a ghost 
And still they echo me 

They echo me in circles

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Beautiful Illusion...


#Between the night and the day: The first time I ever witnessed it was ten years ago. I was four, we were traveling and had to wake up early. I finally found the chance to answer my inquiries about what was happening out there while I slept everyday. I entered the porch and saw it, the twilight. I can't say that my memory holds still this beautiful picture, but my heart does, the feeling is forever carved in it. It was s0.... so indescribable, how can I put in to words. Maybe I can say it's magical, if magical does it justice, but no, it goes far beyond this word. The strings of light and the sky of darkness, overlapped. The gentle breezes of the early morning and the chirping of a bird, musical. THe eyes of a curious little girl who never saw such beauty in her life, amazed.

After that day, I saw the twilight a million times, but it was never like that, never like the first time.                                                

                                                               

 

#I'll write till there's nothing left to say: When I was eight and it was just a fancy, when I was nine and started the project of  a magazine with my cousin, when i was twelve and discovered the poet inside of me, when I was thirteen and made it my biggest dream, and now when I'm taking one step forward to achieving it, through this all, I loved writing. It's my passion, my pleasure. If the mirror reflects my face, then the paper reflects my heart.

                                                         

                                            

#I dream: That's who I am, a dreamer, and have always been for as long as I can remember. My fancies always fulfilled what I knew deep down in my heart would never be true. It's a world with no boundaries, no  rules, for some minutes every day I can be whoever i wanna be. But it always hurts, waking up from a sweet dream my hands reached out to touch to find themselves grabbing thin air.

                                                                

 

#The moon follows me: When I looked up at the sky to see this beautiful stone that time always fails to alter, hanging in the sky, I felt happy, for I believed that the moon followed me of all people. Of course I grew up to discover that the moon is very big and that it rotates around the Earth and that it doesn't follow anybody, yet I still want to believe that it follows me, I sill want to believe that I have my own guardian angel

                                                          

 

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Bridge


 There's a bridge that lies not-so-far-away from my school. Though there's nothing extraordinary about it, I really love it. My eyes often find pleasure in wandering off to it in boring classes to trace every passing car and truck. I wonder if i ever rode in one of these cars or if I'll ever will. I wonder if my future can be related to one of these car riders and he's been passing in front of my very eyes for so long without me knowing it. I wonder if one of the coke cans the trucks are carrying will wind up in my hands. I wonder if someone in this big world is having the same thoughts as mine at this very moment, and that's very  probable. On our Earth, billions live, and it only makes sense that the thoughts of two people can meet in one second in time. Since me and this person's thoughts met, then maybe somehow we are related, maybe If I concentrate very well, I'll be able to perpetrate his mind. I try to draw his features, know what his family is like, who are the people he hangs out with, what kind of food he likes the most, the music he listens to,  his favorite type of.....Vague voices mingle with my thoughts, they are becoming clearer and clearer. The real world is trying to swallow me up and I'm too weak to fight. I look at the teacher sheepishly and ask him to repeat the question again.


              



                              photos source: Audrey Hepbern Complex                        

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Possessive Thoughts



These are my thoughts, rambling in my mind and should have absolute control over them, but what's happening is quite the opposite, they are taking over me.
I endeavor  to concentrate on studying, only to fail in my every trial. My mind seems to run away of everything not appealing to it, and, somehow, my legs follow and I wind up standing in another room. After a good five or ten minutes, I start to wonder what brought me here in the first place. I recollect the memories of the time when I was controlling myself to discover that the last thing I did was studying, and without any apparent reason, I stood up and took a walk to end up here.
If these thoughts were about something in particular, I would find it easy to control them, it even happens all the time and I simply take a pencil and  paper to write about it. But they are absolutely unrelated and horrifically fast in changing. It's like listening to twenty very loud songs, all at the same time, and each and every one of them is compelling you to dance to it, and the on thing you want to do is completely different. Now, can you imagine how I'm feeling?  

Monday, October 12, 2009

To My Dear Someone





 Dearest Someone,
When will you take me to Neveralnd, where we never grow old so I get to love you every day of my life? When will you fly with me to the stars where we dance and sway and say it all without uttering a word? When will you sing to me of a love that the darkness of days can never put off? When will you sing to me of a love that is the answer to my every dream? When will you sing to me of a love as delicate as a rose yet gives me all the strength in this world, a love that wraps around me and I never get to touch it, for love my dear someone, is a great wizard. It throws its arrows randomly on two hearts and bonds them to become one. One heart, one beat, one soul. It's in the air yet only those who give up the fight of its conquering can breathe it. Oh yes my dear, love is magic that can neither be seen nor expressed. How many poets endeavored to summon its majesty using mere words! They knew not there are no words that go that deep.
My dear Someone, answer my questions about you. The color of your eyes, is it dreams? Your heart, is it made of passion and fire? In your arms, do I feel that I can give up all the world? In your touch do I feel so secure? Can you make me laugh when I am on the verge of tears? Do I find in you a reason to go on when every hope is gone? Are you the answer to my prayers?
Are you the love that I have been waiting for, the promise of happiness I make to myself in every dark night?
My dear someone, when will you come to put an end to my lonely days that only your love can fill? When will my whole existence be shaken by the sound of you calling my name? When will your eyes meet mine to make me a prisoner to that look that I wish time could stop for me to hold that feeling forever? When will a smile directed to me be drawn upon your lips? A smile that no mortal language can describe. When will I feel that thrill in my chest whenever you pass by? When will I get to feel loved by you and only you to catch me when I am falling and guide me when I lose my way? When will my life change by hearing you uttering the magical words?
My dear Someone, I will always believe that you, the other half of my soul, are there, somewhere in this world, longing to see me as much as I'm longing to see you and I'll wait till the end of time if that's what it takes. I have a faith so strong to be changed by the power of time.
 My dear someone, one last thing, I believe in miracles
Forever yours,
Your dearest someone
          




Sunday, October 11, 2009

My Old Diary










I don't seem to be able to stop reading my old diary, the one I wrote a year and a half ago. It's amazing how words can make you relive things that had long been gone, feelings that took over your heart, and thoughts you had no control over.
While reading my diary, I recollect everything about what I wrote, I recollect where I was sitting while writing it, how my mood was like, and most of all, the person I used to be. THe past two years have been a roller coaster of changes in my own personality. First, I didn't believe in love, then I became a hopeless romantic, and now, I'm standing somewhere in between. I wanted to become a teacher, then a writer, then a journalist, and now, I wanna enter Law School and become a part-time writer, but that's not settled yet. What I see as the best and most positive change, is turning from a girl with no hopes for she always believed the world to be unjust, to a teenager who fears not  dreaming.