I have every reason to be angry, and yet, no reason at all. On recollecting the events of the day, there hardly seems to be anything that could provoke me, which makes me have second thoughts about the power of one thought when it resolves on taking over a mind.
Reality is always harsh. It's always cruel that at times, I feel as though I'm suffocating, as though I'm locked up in a room and no matter how hard I search, I'll not find the way out. The room has no doors. My body gives in. My head doesn't. It keeps on praying for a miracle, for a prince-charming to break the spell, or for a fairy before the clock strikes twelve. Nothing of that happens, and yet I dream.
Dreams are harmless, I always thought. But when you look back to find a million sandcastles the winds had blown, it hurts. Isn't that funny, I got so many big, big dreams, and have absolute faith in myself and when it comes to something almost everybody has, something as simple as the sense of belonging, I am helpless.
I always felt misplaced, a lost moon, hoping to be in the right way to its planet, fearing that it's always been there and never realized that. I am in a state of denial.
When I look at a house, a building where people live is not what I see. I see hands putting brick over the other, I see sand put in machines to create the bricks, and I see legs walking over the sand. Maybe these legs are the very same legs walking inside the house right now. Maybe places and people have always had a connection without ever knowing it.
I love thinking where everything begins, connecting irrelevant things to reach the same result, guessing what connection I may have with the person in front of me. Somewhere between the day i first opened my eyes to life and this moment, I became me. It's impossible to trace the change, impossible to know where it first began. I compare myself to a photo taken of the 9 year-old me, the childish innocence no longer exists in my eyes, my face got an edge, and the tiny freckles on my nose linger still in their place. How come i never noticed that before?
Yes, there are things in this life that you can't explain. Like the change you can never trace even though it happens before your eyes, or the baby who only sleeps when a lullaby is sung in his ears. A lullaby that is too hard for his mind to understand. But just like you and I, this baby has a heart that became well aware of feelings the moment it started beating. Maybe life is as simple as a lullaby and I'm the one making it complicated. Maybe I should turn a deaf ear to the world, close my eyes, and open my heart. Maybe I should stop thinking. But I can't. I know I can't. Thoughts to me are like an addiction. Even though I know how much they can hurt me, I'm not willing to give them up.