Theme Thursday: Yellow Leaves

It was one of those moments when you get outside of yourself, not completely sure where you were. It felt like time-traveling; visiting myself from a past I had not remembered, to look at a present I had never seen. There was a huge gap between the two tenses, a gap in which now I was trapped.

I doubted everything, and nothing. I doubted the fact of my existence. But I did exist; I had an existence in space, and in time. After all, if I had not existed, why were all these guns pointed towards my head?

O life dear life! I had to cling to you. I had to hold you so tight, or else you would escape, and I would not exist. Then, you were not the times I sat and cried, but the times I would laugh at; you were not a dream I sighed at, but a reality to pursue; you were not a past that I dreaded, but I future I longed to and was afraid to lose.

Then, I doubted the feeling of pain that should have drowned everything else. But, the more I sipped of it, the more I grew apathetic. I ceased to feel my broken ribs, my lost teeth, the punches in the stomach, the dragging from hair. But I groaned. I screamed. I rolled in dirt begging them to stop. I was lost in intervals of unconsciousness when the world was somewhere else, and I was outside it all. I always knew the air had a scent that our noses merely grew numb to it.

Pain, it emptied you from all the unnecessary fillings, then you only saw yourself for who you were , or who you never had been .Like those big balloons emptied of air, then came caving in. They were small and fragile. I stood for nothing but life, dear life. I wanted nothing but life, dear life. Then, my humiliation meant nothing, my whimpers meant nothing, my betrayal meant nothing, for life meant everything. O life dear life, were you worth it?

I then was in a place where no guns pointed towards my head, in a time I did not know. Everything around me moved and I was the rock in that stream. Forever frozen. I looked at the yellowing leaves and doubted, couldn’t they be evergreen from inside? I then looked into myself and knew:  once yellow, you were always yellow. O life dear life, were you worth it?

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Image via Here 

JP gave me The Snakeman Awesome blogger award. It's very special because he's the one who created it! He really is a creative person. Make sure you visit his blog where you will find his drawings, comics and writings.

Invincible

With an act of sheer impulsiveness, she shoved the notebook inside her ragged pockets, rummaged the mess on the coffee table till she found a black pen and entered her room. She closed the door pushing it slightly forward with one hand to muffle the sound; something habitual.

The stark white of pages agitated her; she hated white, she hated blankness. She would scatter meaningless words that had the least connection, words that flitted through her mind with the speed of rockets burning in it, soon to be sat free. She gave birth to them, on those stark white pages that were now ink-stained.

The light of the sun coated everything around her, but she didn’t care. She d didn’t get up to draw the curtains of her tarnished window at the far of the room. She was breaking rules, feeling freedom blazing in her veins, mountains of ice melting, drenching her mind with a flood of words. She was rebelling on the facts, turning a blind eye to life. She was not empty again. She shut the door to reality. She was not restrained by meaning, by sense. She didn’t know where that would take her, moreover she didn’t care. She was living inside these moments, not floating on the ebbs and tides of time, giving in to gravity, letting herself willingly drown deep into it. She was not in a labyrinth. She was not miserable. She was not alone. She was not crying. She was not lamenting her bad luck. She was not waiting. She was not screaming. She was here. She was now. She was invincible.

image via here

Can You Hear Me?

I try a lot to scream, but my tongue falls deep in my stomach, and I have not even the power to speak. So I don’t. 

I squeeze my eyes shut and force a series of images to stare at them. They evoke no emotions. I try to remember where I left them, my emotions, but my memory constantly fails me and I wind up questioning the fact that I ever had any.

Something is wrong; I am not supposed to be sitting in here. I don’t belong here. I want to enter a coma, cut all that crap and wake up to find myself in the right body, possessing the right life. Or maybe I never existed, maybe I’m still in a dark womb dreaming another life to amuse myself till I come out to the light. But really, this is nothing like amusement.

Who exactly is the person typing this right now? The different masks that automatically fall and are replaced depending on the time of the day and the people around are way too many that they confuse out of my mind.

What is it that they say? Black is not a color at all, it’s lack of color whilst white is a color that waits to be filled with other colors. I wonder which one I really am.

Pain no longer hurts; it has long faded into the background of my life, a constant guest that completely paralyzed a part in my heart. The amount of damages exactly, I cannot estimate.

Do not blame me that you are all the same, do not blame that you allowed them to brainwash you, do not blame me for the fact that you are all coloned versions of the same person. Try to smother my word as much as you like, but I’ll always shout. 

Can you hear me? Because I don’t.

Awards!

I've received four awards, and well, I've been real lazy to post them. So, now, I'll start from the oldest.

The Happy Award has been bestowed to me by the beautiful Jess.  
I should name 10 things that make me happy


1-Blogging
2-Reading
3-Writing
4-Music
5-Coffee
6-Recklessness when it's possible. I know this one sounds a bit weird, but, come on, don't you ever get this feeling of freedom when you ditch some stuff and no one goes there to reproach you?
7-Objecting (that's one of my hobbies!)
8-Pencils (Don't Ask!!)
9-Independence
10-Freedom


As for the nominations, well anyone whoever visited my blog and told me his opinion made me happy. So, it's yours, feel free to take it!

The lovely blog award from the wild Sherry 

I’ll give this one to the super sweet/lovely/amazing/talented Danielle , the extraordinary blogger Susan  and to the absolutely beautiful writer Felicities and Magpie for her magical shots.

The Kreativ blog award has been given to me twice from Danielle and Felicities. So, now I should nominate 14 bloggers and say 14 things about myself

Here are the nominations:

WaystationOne

My life, My thoughts...

Here Is My Heart

Inscribed in Stone

Constantly Evolving

Enchanted Oak

Kimberly Franklin

Loud Silence

Stars in my inkpot and crying skies.
On My Own

Poetry Corner

Rhythm of the Light

Tamarind~

A Diva's Hammer Prose

I don’t know how to talk about myself, so I thought of something more fun. You ask me anything you wanna know, post it as a comment and I’ll update this post to add your question along with its answer.


The Answers:


if you were going to have the perfect day...what would you be doing? 
Sleeping in bed, probably.


What's playing on you iPod right now??
I'm kinda developing an obsession with Muse these days.


Can you tell us your favorite movie and book?
Here are my favorite movies:
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
The Aviator
La Momme Piaff
There will Be Blood
Titanic
As for the books, I can't really tell. You know,I find myself crazy about a novel and the moment I put it down and start another, I say, "This is just way better than anything I ever read!"


what's your favorite color? 
Brown, Beige, and Black. You know, till this very moment, I never realized they all start with a "B"


Are you really only 14? 
Yes, and from the bottom of my heart, I wish I were older. I'm turning 15 in two months

What kind of music do you enjoy?

Just until 6 months ago, I used to adore romantic ballads. But now, I am absolutely addicted to Alternative

who's your favorite character in Pride & Prejudice, and why?

If you asked me this question two years ago, I'd say Darcy. Till now, he is my favorite character, but the reasons are pretty different. In the past the reason would be: "He's my prince charming. DUH!!" But since I'm absolutely over the-prince-charming era, the reason is simply because I'm the female version of him.

if you were on death row and had to select your final and last meal, what would it be?

Fries, fries, and more fries! Then of course I'd drink coffee till my tummy bursts .

Theme Thursday: The Road Had No Signs

The road,

It has no signs

Trapped in a twilight

You walk

Shadow of a sun

Long gone

 When your lungs close in

Tell me

And I’ll breathe for you

My colors

They Dance

In your blankness

Oozing from

Unseen wounds

You try to fight

Find no strength

So you dance with them too

When your lungs close in

Tell me

And I’ll breathe for you

The words

You don’t know

It doesn’t matter

You’ll sing along

And I’ll sing with you

When your lungs close in

Tell me

And I’ll breathe for you

The sun

It shines

 “Our sign!”

I cry

On the ground

You falter

I scream

There comes no voice

I search

In your heart

No blood

It’s all in my veins

Embedded within me

My lungs  

They are closing in

Will you breathe

For me too?

 

image via here 
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Blank Spots and Loose Ends

Staring at the darkness of her eyelids, plays of light start to form and soon, a fragile web of images drowns Emilia.

A dress hanging loosely on a young girl’s body swaying with the breeze. The color?…blank. She hugged her jaded teddy bear tightly seeking protection from its lifeless, defenseless body. The wind wafted. In which direction?…blank. A woman appeared. The color of the eyes, the shape of the nose, the length of the hair?....blank. She gingerly touched the little girl and shoved her hands in her pockets. The little girl tilted her body and let out a scream of joy “Mommy!” The woman hushed her and wrenched her to a hidden area in the street.

“I have to go now honey,” the mother said while trying to draw a smile on her lips that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“When will you be back?” The little girl’s eyes sparked with innocence

“I don’t know. But I promise I will” A stream of tears started pouring down the mother’s eyes. She quickly wiped it, smiled, and found herself crying again.

With that, she faded.

She never saw her again. But in her heart, Emilia always knew she will.

The loose end

image via here 

55-The Beggar

A shot in the heart

Bereft

Of life

Footsteps on the snow

Wind wafts

And they slowly fade

Empty of feeling

Dreaming of being

A distorted soul

Untouched by joy

Longing to sleep

And to drift away

Screams

Masked by silence

Disconnected

A rootless tree

Craves belonging

And just

Drowns in darkness

Begging for light

Check Out G-Man

Theme Thursday: Breakfast in the Clouds

Rivers of honey

Seas of milk

Eggs in the size of a football

She sits in there and thinks

Rebelling on the rules of life

Lost in her reverie

Dreams that may never come true

And yet she believes

Wide blue eyes

Still unmarred by knowing

Still unmarred by truth

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Magpie Tales: Draining Out of Life

Blood

Creeps in veins

And retrieves

Those hearts as they beat

They drain out of life

Hollow silhouettes

Crossing the light of the sun

As they pass

A thousand thoughts

A thousand feelings

A thousand words

Reduced into one

Muffled screams

Silenced by fear

So turn a deaf ear

And don't say a thing

Feel the innards of your soul

Crumbling down

And you try to hide

You are dead inside

Going through life

But not living it

A ghost you've become

And in those shades

I perpetually wait

For the voids

To be reassumed 

For the dead

To be exhumed

   

Check Out Magpie Tales 

In Love With the Enemy

In his innocent blue eyes, I saw the fires of love igniting with every color.

In my depth, I loved him too. But what I loved more, was how when I’d tortured him, he came back asking for more. How when I’d broken my promises one time after the other, he never doubted. How when I’d told him I’d be back, he waited. How he’d held on to my cryptic, twisted words and always believed.

 The woman in me longed to be with him, within him, longed to be weak needing protection. But then I remembered how I burnt for freedom and swore not to ever let any thing bereave me from it, not even love. And I hated myself for loving him. He had to always want me, and never have me.

Now, as I watch from my window the trees coated in white, until the glistening sun shall let the roses blossom but later burn them by its heat waiting for the wind to escort them to other places and eventually they’d be coated in white again, it’s my turn to wait.

55-A Dying Mermaid

Standing

Nowhere

Melodies

Beautiful Wails

But no one will know

No one will hear

Words

Lost in the stream

Happily

The air

Shall carry them

 Far Faraway

But they don’t look

They just see

A mermaid’s screams

Drowned by the sea

Let her die there alone

With no one to care        

No one to know

Check Out G-Man

Theme Thursday: Hats

 

Wasted tears

Rain

Touches your face

As you draw my own

In the clouds

Eyes 

Watch you

Watching me

Within your heart

Wind blows

And we're standing

Separate windows

The same star

Flickering

In the distance

Hidden

Under a million hats

And more names

The proud

The introvert

The cheerful

The sweet

Only you can see

Right into me

Lost 

In place and time

Or maybe beyond them

As we rummage

The messes of our lives

we make mistakes

And rectify

The more wrong paths

The more we know

We're getting closer

Close

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