I always hated hospitals.
Hospitals are where strong men moan. Hospitals are where everyone passes you by while you are sobbing rendering you invisible for the whole scene is a cliché. Hospitals are where doctors’ ears grow used to screams of pain. Hospitals are where some die with foreign hand in their innards.
I pushed my head against the wall tightly closing my eyes as they became too weary with the effort of staring at nothingness. Images kept on pushing themselves into my mind. I distracted myself following random trains of thought having railways melting into each other until I was led to the very one I had been a voiding.
There is this point that stands as a red line; marking the end of life and the beginning of life as you never knew it. Some call it “turning point” perhaps because it turns everything upside down or maybe because it manages to turn people into other people. Life before it becomes a mere fancy you torture yourself trying to be alive in itــــa world that stopped being; and after it, a nightmare you cannot accept that now, it’s way more real than you are.
The atmosphere of unknowingly waiting almost suffocated me. Expectations are the inexistent shapes your eyes form in the dark. Believing they are true will only make you fall as you reach out to touch them. I never allowed myself to hope; my pain was doubled when it all turned out to be illusion; what came after was like watching tornadoes in slow motion. Deflecting myself from all that was impossible; you could hardly avoid what’s within you.
No matter how much you prepare yourself, forming mental images, it always gives you this fierce shiver running down your spine; sometimes, like a punch in your. I took a glimpse of other people I vaguely knew trying to get in too. This was when I discovered the true horridness of illness. It bereaves you from your identity until you become an extension to it, a shadow to its ugly face. People visit, not because of ‘you’ but because ‘you are sick’ . All those who are sick, can be nothing more than sick people you ought to petty; you ought to look at to make you feel better about yourself.