Beautiful Illusion...

#Between the night and the day: The first time I ever witnessed it was ten years ago. I was four, we were traveling and had to wake up early. I finally found the chance to answer my inquiries about what was happening out there while I slept everyday. I entered the porch and saw it, the twilight. I can't say that my memory holds still this beautiful picture, but my heart does, the feeling is forever carved in it. It was s0.... so indescribable, how can I put in to words. Maybe I can say it's magical, if magical does it justice, but no, it goes far beyond this word. The strings of light and the sky of darkness, overlapped. The gentle breezes of the early morning and the chirping of a bird, musical. THe eyes of a curious little girl who never saw such beauty in her life, amazed.

After that day, I saw the twilight a million times, but it was never like that, never like the first time.                                                

                                                               

 

#I'll write till there's nothing left to say: When I was eight and it was just a fancy, when I was nine and started the project of  a magazine with my cousin, when i was twelve and discovered the poet inside of me, when I was thirteen and made it my biggest dream, and now when I'm taking one step forward to achieving it, through this all, I loved writing. It's my passion, my pleasure. If the mirror reflects my face, then the paper reflects my heart.

                                                         

                                            

#I dream: That's who I am, a dreamer, and have always been for as long as I can remember. My fancies always fulfilled what I knew deep down in my heart would never be true. It's a world with no boundaries, no  rules, for some minutes every day I can be whoever i wanna be. But it always hurts, waking up from a sweet dream my hands reached out to touch to find themselves grabbing thin air.

                                                                

 

#The moon follows me: When I looked up at the sky to see this beautiful stone that time always fails to alter, hanging in the sky, I felt happy, for I believed that the moon followed me of all people. Of course I grew up to discover that the moon is very big and that it rotates around the Earth and that it doesn't follow anybody, yet I still want to believe that it follows me, I sill want to believe that I have my own guardian angel

                                                          

 

The Bridge

 There's a bridge that lies not-so-far-away from my school. Though there's nothing extraordinary about it, I really love it. My eyes often find pleasure in wandering off to it in boring classes to trace every passing car and truck. I wonder if i ever rode in one of these cars or if I'll ever will. I wonder if my future can be related to one of these car riders and he's been passing in front of my very eyes for so long without me knowing it. I wonder if one of the coke cans the trucks are carrying will wind up in my hands. I wonder if someone in this big world is having the same thoughts as mine at this very moment, and that's very  probable. On our Earth, billions live, and it only makes sense that the thoughts of two people can meet in one second in time. Since me and this person's thoughts met, then maybe somehow we are related, maybe If I concentrate very well, I'll be able to perpetrate his mind. I try to draw his features, know what his family is like, who are the people he hangs out with, what kind of food he likes the most, the music he listens to,  his favorite type of.....Vague voices mingle with my thoughts, they are becoming clearer and clearer. The real world is trying to swallow me up and I'm too weak to fight. I look at the teacher sheepishly and ask him to repeat the question again.

              

                              photos source: Audrey Hepbern Complex                        

Possessive Thoughts

These are my thoughts, rambling in my mind and I should have absolute control over them, but what's happening is quite the opposite, they are taking over me.

I endeavor  to concentrate on studying, only to fail in my every trial. My mind seems to run away of everything not appealing to it, and, somehow, my legs follow and I wind up standing in another room. After a good five or ten minutes, I start to wonder what brought me here in the first place. I recollect the memories of the time when I was controlling myself to discover that the last thing I did was studying, and without any apparent reason, I stood up and took a walk to end up here.

If these thoughts were about something in particular, I would find it easy to control them, it even happens all the time and I simply take a pencil and  paper to write about it. But they are absolutely unrelated and horrifically fast in changing. It's like listening to twenty very loud songs, all at the same time, and each and every one of them is compelling you to dance to it, and the on thing you want to do is completely different. Now, can you imagine how I'm feeling?  

To My Dear Someone

 Dearest Someone,

When will you take me to Neveralnd, where we never grow old so I get to love you every day of my life? When will you fly with me to the stars where we dance and sway and say it all without uttering a word? When will you sing to me of a love that the darkness of days can never put off? When will you sing to me of a love that is the answer to my every dream? When will you sing to me of a love as delicate as a rose yet gives me all the strength in this world, a love that wraps around me and I never get to touch it, for love my dear someone, is a great wizard. It throws its arrows randomly on two hearts and bonds them to become one. One heart, one beat, one soul. It's in the air yet only those who give up the fight of its conquering can breathe it. Oh yes my dear, love is magic that can neither be seen nor expressed. How many poets endeavored to summon its majesty using mere words! They knew not there are no words that go that deep.

My dear Someone, answer my questions about you. The color of your eyes, is it dreams? Your heart, is it made of passion and fire? In your arms, do I feel that I can give up all the world? In your touch do I feel so secure? Can you make me laugh when I am on the verge of tears? Do I find in you a reason to go on when every hope is gone? Are you the answer to my prayers?

Are you the love that I have been waiting for, the promise of happiness I make to myself in every dark night?

My dear someone, when will you come to put an end to my lonely days that only your love can fill? When will my whole existence be shaken by the sound of you calling my name? When will your eyes meet mine to make me a prisoner to that look that I wish time could stop for me to hold that feeling forever? When will a smile directed to me be drawn upon your lips? A smile that no mortal language can describe. When will I feel that thrill in my chest whenever you pass by? When will I get to feel loved by you and only you to catch me when I am falling and guide me when I lose my way? When will my life change by hearing you uttering the magical words?

My dear Someone, I will always believe that you, the other half of my soul, are there, somewhere in this world, longing to see me as much as I'm longing to see you and I'll wait till the end of time if that's what it takes. I have a faith so strong to be changed by the power of time.

 My dear someone, one last thing, I believe in miracles

Forever yours,

Your dearest someone

          

My Old Diary

I don't seem to be able to stop reading my old diary, the one I wrote a year and a half ago. It's amazing how words can make you relive things that had long been gone, feelings that took over your heart, and thoughts you had no control over.

While reading my diary, I recollect everything about what I wrote, I recollect where I was sitting while writing it, how my mood was like, and most of all, the person I used to be. THe past two years have been a roller coaster of changes in my own personality. First, I didn't believe in love, then I became a hopeless romantic, and now, I'm standing somewhere in between. I wanted to become a teacher, then a writer, then a journalist, and now, I wanna enter Law School and become a part-time writer, but that's not settled yet. What I see as the best and most positive change, is turning from a girl with no hopes for she always believed the world to be unjust, to a teenager who fears not  dreaming.  

Never Think

Two days ago, I googled "Robert Pattinson" just out of curiosity. I was amazed to know that he sings. Needless to say, I downloaded one of his songs, called "Never Think". At first, I hated Rob's voice, merely because it was not what I had expected, it's so unique, a voice I'd never heard before. I decided to give it a shot and listen to it again, that time I really liked it that I could hardly stop listening to it -i'm actually listening to it now. The idea of loving someone so much and never be able to be with him is heartbreaking to say the least and Robert Pattinson had only succeeded to convey it, with the lyrics that have so much sadness in them, and his tone that expressed sheer pain

 

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I won't

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
Save your soul
Before your too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
So hold off
She should hold off
It's the one thing that I've known

Once I put my coat on
I coming out in this all wrong
She standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I'm in love
I'm in love

Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before it's to far gone
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on

 

N.B. Try to listen to it in a speeding car while you sit in the window seat with your heard out of the window, it'll give you an amazing feeling

 

Don't wanna sleep

So here I am ,  desperately trying not to close my eyelids and sleep, and I've got not the slightest idea why, maybe I''m just too obstinate to acknowledge the fact that tonight, of all nights, I MUST sleep soundly for tomorrow is my very first day, in my absolutely new school. Ok, so here's the deal I'll finish typing this post and go to bed.

I'll not talk about my fears of the whole new school thing, because that's the one thing I'm trying not to think of and since this post is absolutely random, I'll simply jump in to an extremely irrelevant subject to write about, and that's Twilight.

Three or four days ago I went to the bookstore to buy a Cecelia Ahern novel, and you can say that it was nowhere in there, and i was in a real hurry, so I grabbed a black book to find out it was the much-talked-about Twilight. I paid for it and left. All the way back home, my head was full of remorse and regret for buying it, that I decided, the moment I get back home, to put it on the shelf and read anything else I had. I've got a habit of reading the first 50 pages from any book I buy, and I wasn't that angry with the book to abandon that habit. On reading it, I had a mixed feelings of astonishment and mesmerization. I always thought that Twilight was some sorta silly novel that discussed a stupid relationship and I never even bothered to google it. But the novel proved me wrong. The first thing that I focus on during reading, is the style, and Twilight didn't let me down, I could feel the cold, wet, rainy weather of Forks with every word. i can't say that i could relate to Bella, except of course for the part of her moving to another school (pleaaaaaaaase try not to remember), but, and sorry if i sound silly because I know I will, I LOVE Edward Cullen! Here's the thing , if I ever get in to a relationship, I'd make sure that this person is nothing like Edward (I know I contradicted myself just there). I won't deny that mysterious guys, like Edward, can be so irresistibly attractive, but they are certainly not the type any girl could be committed to. To demonstrate what I mean, I'll say a simple example of the man reading his newspaper saying as few words as possible, and his wife is vacuum cleaning, begging him to say anything about anything. I think I made it clear. Since I loved Twilight that much, who knows, may be Jonas Brothers are not that bad.

I'm searching for any other random thing to write about but my head seems to be full of nothing but the continuous demand of turning off the computer and going to bed. I guess I'll obey it this time. 

 

I *heart* Black

I look at the dark sea and the night sky, mingling together to form this big lot of blackness. It's beautiful, that's all I can say.

I love black, and one of the reasons of me being a night person is the amount of darkness that come with it, and no, I don't love black because it's considered the "coolest" teenagers' trend , and I certainly don't love Black because I'm an emo, God Forbids. I loved black before this all, and till this very moment, I still love it for what I believe it stands up for.

When I was young, I was all alone. In the break, I wandered by myself, contemplating the best friends and the gangs, wishing I were part of them. when we went up to the class, I was always the one sitting by the empty chair and what I hated the most is that, unlike now, this loneliness was not on my terms, it was not my choice to stay always alone. In fact, I believe that all these years of solitude has made a withdrawn person outta me, yet nobody has EVER seen me like this.  In their eyes, I'm a friendly, sociable person. Yes, I can start a conversation, I can do some inquiries, I may even make some friends, but my favorite part of the day remains the night, when I'm all by myself. Back then, I believed that people judged me by what was apparent and never bothered to look deeper than that, and I also believed -and still believe-, that black is like me, too beautiful, only if you look too deep. 

Back to school.....again

I find it quite hard to believe that school is only two days away, or that this school is a completely new to me. On studying Geography, I can't help picturing our teacher explaining it and the guys making fun of the rivers' funny names. I know I'll get used to it, however.

Hopefully, this school will be better than the last one. I can still very well recollect what happened in my very first day in it four years ago when I was in grade 5. I went to mum who was sitting on the sofa combing my sister's hair, in tears, saying "I was so foolish to move to another school, this will be the worst day in my whole entire life". I must've been a psychic!

This year (If Allah Wills), I'm not willing to do anything like crying, to get rid of the tension, I'll simply grab a book and do some reading. I learnt that one's actions are a reflection to his thoughts and also that likes attract, which means that positive thoughts will attract positive events , so the last thing I need is fear or tension on my first day. Besides, it's not my first time to go through this all, they'll keep on gawking  waiting  to see what the new girl has to say and this will disappear when they make sure that I'm just another person, not an alien from Pluto, they may act nicely and friendly, but unfortunately this too will disappear by the end of the first week. They won't all be completely strangers to me though, I know a couple of them for they were in my old school and had moved before I did. But what can really be bad, is one of the popular girls whom my relationship with her, lemme see, what's the word, yeah,SUCKS. And that's probable, I was having a chit chat with one of the gossip girls and she told me that whatshername may also be at this school with me. You know what, I no longer care for any of this, if I stay alone at the school, that's cool with me, I'll simply take a book in my bag and read whenever I can and when I need someone to talk to, I'll pick up the phone and call my best friend and that's enough for me, I need nothing more.