All through the day, there has been vulgar music coming out from somewhere down the street. It's easy to tell somebody was getting married. It was noisy and annoying, and nothing short of agonizing when I had to study having it as a background.
It's silent and still now. I have just hung up with my friend after having a prolonged conversation after which I reached the conclusion that even when I am okay, I am not okay. I also, for the thousandth time, kept on discussing how there is no chance for it to get better. At the end, I wound up lamenting my so-called adolescence.
I kept on repeating, " But I am sixteen." over and over again, as though trying to convince myself that life is still ahead of me. It made things worse, for here's how it is: I am sixteen and the last time I recall having fun in is three years ago; I have only one friend and it's because of my fastidious nature that does not accept to befriended with people who discuss nothing but the things that enter my very own category of "things unbearably stupid it makes me want to throw up;" I have not crushed on a guy, been crushed on by a guy-the very sound of it is weird-or had any remotely similair experience for like, more than three years and all is due to how this entire thing comes first in the list of things unbearably stupid it makes me want to throw up.
I am missing out on life .
Is this not just sad?
I have not contributed in the HBBC for a long time now. I was pretty delusional when I thought that "I will just when studying gets a little bit less tough" It is not, but yeah, I have changed my reasoning and am now living with it. So, perhaps Insha' Allah, I'll be able to post this time. I really with too.
There is Holy Quraan now playing outside. The sound of it is very beautiful. I think I am going to turn it on in the room and sleep.
I agree with Bard, each of us has a different path, and a different way of life. That said, I am and have been like you. I am 25 right now, but ever since 12, I haven't been able to be light to cheerful. I am not very social. I have to admit I have a few friends more than I had during school, but it was all coincidences.
ReplyDeleteI know that this a cliche, but everything happens in its own time. I would tell you to challenge yourself, do something you thing is difficult or impossible, this always causes a feeling of excitement for me.
As for the crushing thing, it is not as good as it sounds. It's torture actually, so don't be in a hurry to experience it. Love is definitely overrated. As a concept, it is wonderful, but in real life, it is very complicated, and scary.
Anyway, just take baby steps towards the things you're interested in, and the best kind of life is one spent doing something that you love. So, if you're going to pour all your effort in something, pour it in asking yourself, what do I want to do with my life? not an easy question, but when you find the answer, it will be great isA.
Take care, and try not to worry a lot.
This is the 1st post I read from you ever and you have no idea of how much I relate to it. Even am Spanish. Even I'm 28 years old.
ReplyDeleteBut I have faith that things will get better someday - hopefully soon - and then I'll look back at the bad times as a pause in life, my real life and my real "happy" me.
Best of luck :)
And I'll read you soon!
Life is hard, and you're just 16 you shouldn't be feeling this. But you're a writer so it kinda makes sense.
ReplyDeleteListen the whole crushing business is over-rated, we all fantasize about being told someone's had a crush on us but I got over that fantasy of mine a while ago, it comes and it goes. You're still young. You'll be crushed on for sure, even if you never know. ;)
May life treats you better.
the pendulum has a very clear history of swinging back and forth. if you have missed out and realize you have missed out, you aren't far from something, i'd wager.
ReplyDelete@Bard, thank you a lot. What you have written in here is greatly encouraging.
ReplyDelete@Shrouk Well, believe me I do not really know if I want lots of people in my life or not. so far, I have not met anybody that sees things the way I do, so, that it'll be pretty hard to judge.
@Sina I do not find what you said any cliched, and it makes great sense to me. As for the crushing thing, I have experienced it all just a long time ago, and when I mentioned it above, it was only to show how I am not having the "normal teenage experience", and believe me, when anything remotely close takes place, I find it good for nothing but making a joke out of it. and, as for knowing what I want, I do have some vague vision of it; I just do not know if it is ever destined to become true.
@Cristyna Age and place hardly make a difference in such things. I do wish you the best of luck.
@Noor I do agree with you. I have gotten rid of that all about three years ago. Looking back, it seems to extremely stupid it makes me laugh.
@Ed Piola Your words made me stop and ponder upon them. I really like how you have put it.