My Old Diary

I don't seem to be able to stop reading my old diary, the one I wrote a year and a half ago. It's amazing how words can make you relive things that had long been gone, feelings that took over your heart, and thoughts you had no control over.

While reading my diary, I recollect everything about what I wrote, I recollect where I was sitting while writing it, how my mood was like, and most of all, the person I used to be. THe past two years have been a roller coaster of changes in my own personality. First, I didn't believe in love, then I became a hopeless romantic, and now, I'm standing somewhere in between. I wanted to become a teacher, then a writer, then a journalist, and now, I wanna enter Law School and become a part-time writer, but that's not settled yet. What I see as the best and most positive change, is turning from a girl with no hopes for she always believed the world to be unjust, to a teenager who fears not  dreaming.  

Never Think

Two days ago, I googled "Robert Pattinson" just out of curiosity. I was amazed to know that he sings. Needless to say, I downloaded one of his songs, called "Never Think". At first, I hated Rob's voice, merely because it was not what I had expected, it's so unique, a voice I'd never heard before. I decided to give it a shot and listen to it again, that time I really liked it that I could hardly stop listening to it -i'm actually listening to it now. The idea of loving someone so much and never be able to be with him is heartbreaking to say the least and Robert Pattinson had only succeeded to convey it, with the lyrics that have so much sadness in them, and his tone that expressed sheer pain

 

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I won't

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
Save your soul
Before your too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
So hold off
She should hold off
It's the one thing that I've known

Once I put my coat on
I coming out in this all wrong
She standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I'm in love
I'm in love

Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before it's to far gone
And before nothing can be done

Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on

 

N.B. Try to listen to it in a speeding car while you sit in the window seat with your heard out of the window, it'll give you an amazing feeling

 

Don't wanna sleep

So here I am ,  desperately trying not to close my eyelids and sleep, and I've got not the slightest idea why, maybe I''m just too obstinate to acknowledge the fact that tonight, of all nights, I MUST sleep soundly for tomorrow is my very first day, in my absolutely new school. Ok, so here's the deal I'll finish typing this post and go to bed.

I'll not talk about my fears of the whole new school thing, because that's the one thing I'm trying not to think of and since this post is absolutely random, I'll simply jump in to an extremely irrelevant subject to write about, and that's Twilight.

Three or four days ago I went to the bookstore to buy a Cecelia Ahern novel, and you can say that it was nowhere in there, and i was in a real hurry, so I grabbed a black book to find out it was the much-talked-about Twilight. I paid for it and left. All the way back home, my head was full of remorse and regret for buying it, that I decided, the moment I get back home, to put it on the shelf and read anything else I had. I've got a habit of reading the first 50 pages from any book I buy, and I wasn't that angry with the book to abandon that habit. On reading it, I had a mixed feelings of astonishment and mesmerization. I always thought that Twilight was some sorta silly novel that discussed a stupid relationship and I never even bothered to google it. But the novel proved me wrong. The first thing that I focus on during reading, is the style, and Twilight didn't let me down, I could feel the cold, wet, rainy weather of Forks with every word. i can't say that i could relate to Bella, except of course for the part of her moving to another school (pleaaaaaaaase try not to remember), but, and sorry if i sound silly because I know I will, I LOVE Edward Cullen! Here's the thing , if I ever get in to a relationship, I'd make sure that this person is nothing like Edward (I know I contradicted myself just there). I won't deny that mysterious guys, like Edward, can be so irresistibly attractive, but they are certainly not the type any girl could be committed to. To demonstrate what I mean, I'll say a simple example of the man reading his newspaper saying as few words as possible, and his wife is vacuum cleaning, begging him to say anything about anything. I think I made it clear. Since I loved Twilight that much, who knows, may be Jonas Brothers are not that bad.

I'm searching for any other random thing to write about but my head seems to be full of nothing but the continuous demand of turning off the computer and going to bed. I guess I'll obey it this time. 

 

I *heart* Black

I look at the dark sea and the night sky, mingling together to form this big lot of blackness. It's beautiful, that's all I can say.

I love black, and one of the reasons of me being a night person is the amount of darkness that come with it, and no, I don't love black because it's considered the "coolest" teenagers' trend , and I certainly don't love Black because I'm an emo, God Forbids. I loved black before this all, and till this very moment, I still love it for what I believe it stands up for.

When I was young, I was all alone. In the break, I wandered by myself, contemplating the best friends and the gangs, wishing I were part of them. when we went up to the class, I was always the one sitting by the empty chair and what I hated the most is that, unlike now, this loneliness was not on my terms, it was not my choice to stay always alone. In fact, I believe that all these years of solitude has made a withdrawn person outta me, yet nobody has EVER seen me like this.  In their eyes, I'm a friendly, sociable person. Yes, I can start a conversation, I can do some inquiries, I may even make some friends, but my favorite part of the day remains the night, when I'm all by myself. Back then, I believed that people judged me by what was apparent and never bothered to look deeper than that, and I also believed -and still believe-, that black is like me, too beautiful, only if you look too deep. 

Back to school.....again

I find it quite hard to believe that school is only two days away, or that this school is a completely new to me. On studying Geography, I can't help picturing our teacher explaining it and the guys making fun of the rivers' funny names. I know I'll get used to it, however.

Hopefully, this school will be better than the last one. I can still very well recollect what happened in my very first day in it four years ago when I was in grade 5. I went to mum who was sitting on the sofa combing my sister's hair, in tears, saying "I was so foolish to move to another school, this will be the worst day in my whole entire life". I must've been a psychic!

This year (If Allah Wills), I'm not willing to do anything like crying, to get rid of the tension, I'll simply grab a book and do some reading. I learnt that one's actions are a reflection to his thoughts and also that likes attract, which means that positive thoughts will attract positive events , so the last thing I need is fear or tension on my first day. Besides, it's not my first time to go through this all, they'll keep on gawking  waiting  to see what the new girl has to say and this will disappear when they make sure that I'm just another person, not an alien from Pluto, they may act nicely and friendly, but unfortunately this too will disappear by the end of the first week. They won't all be completely strangers to me though, I know a couple of them for they were in my old school and had moved before I did. But what can really be bad, is one of the popular girls whom my relationship with her, lemme see, what's the word, yeah,SUCKS. And that's probable, I was having a chit chat with one of the gossip girls and she told me that whatshername may also be at this school with me. You know what, I no longer care for any of this, if I stay alone at the school, that's cool with me, I'll simply take a book in my bag and read whenever I can and when I need someone to talk to, I'll pick up the phone and call my best friend and that's enough for me, I need nothing more. 

    

Before traveling

I have to go and get dressed for I am traveling to Alex in 90 minutes (If Allah wills). In the past, when I heard the word 'traveling', I got butterflies in my stomach and got all exited for it, but now it leaves me completely unaffected as though it's nothing I heard, maybe because when mum says that we are 'traveling', it's always in a place inside the country.

You know, I wish I could get some wings and fly to another countries, but don't get me wrong, I don't wanna "live" in another country for i believe that one cannot be comfortable any where away from the place he was nurtured in, I simply wanna get the fun of it.

I want to have a dinner in the Eiffel tower ,wearing an incredibly beautiful night gown with star-like earrings . I want to visit venice where many of Shakespeare's plays took place. I want to go sight seeing in England, I believe some buildings in there look amazing as though they came from another world. I want to go to the desert and look at the night sky to see constellations with my naked eyes. I want to see the world's from its highest mountain so small beneath me. And now, I am going to Alex willing to have fun like i never had before. 

                        

Capture The Moments

Sometimes, I wish I could capture moments. They slip   through my fingers like water and then a memory is only left. There are cameras out there, I know, but they're not enough. If I take a photo of me standing in the rain, will I feel the droplets on my skin? Will I feel the coldness making me vulnerable? Will I feel the thrill of it wishing it would never stop?

A photo is a mere paper with cold shapes printed on and it's only getting worse and worse. You always see them advertising advanced cameras with high resolutions, but who the hell wants to see reality plain as it is?! I love the old cameras that captured photos in black and white then I'd paint the sky in lively blue, the clouds in innocent white and myself in dreamy rose.